It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
