If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
