Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
