Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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