I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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