You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
