Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
