I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
