You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
