She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
