I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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