so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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