i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
