I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
