An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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