You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
