I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize