No stitches, just platelets and will power
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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