Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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