I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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