I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
