I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Drake has all the answers
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
