dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
