all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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