is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So many bounce houses so little time
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
