so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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