saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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