Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
