Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
