So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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