I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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