she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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