dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
