I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
