I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
