Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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