When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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