i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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