this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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