I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
