moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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