this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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