Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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