my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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