He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
