i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
