i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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