i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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