I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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