When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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