i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby