Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.