i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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