He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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