Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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