Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
