I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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