My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Barsexuality is the new black.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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