I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
