I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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